she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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