When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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