I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
