he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
