Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
