so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
