by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
