Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
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