My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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