my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
