Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
