I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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