I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
