The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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