you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
