I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
