I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
