I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
