Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
