Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
