I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
