20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
