My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
