My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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