Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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