I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
