She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
