my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
