someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
