he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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