i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
