my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
