If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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