he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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