Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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