he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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