ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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