I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
