I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
