just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
