I have demons in me.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
