Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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