New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
