he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
