I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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