Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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