this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
