I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
