i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
