guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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