Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this will be a night to untag.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
