Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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