New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
