I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
