Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
