Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
