You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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