A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
