Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
