Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
