you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
